To Tell or NOT to tell?
July 9th 2007 10:07
In a close-knit group of friends, it’s always a challenge to manage the friendships/relationships all around when there’s a break-up or falling-out between two friends in the group.
Year 2004
Year 2005
The Eve and Bart break-up! It was shocking – there were no third-parties involved, Bart just had a change of heart! …but even more shocking was how messy it was – Bart told Eve she had to move out that very evening. To say Eve was beside herself is the least, but she was surprisingly strong through the ordeal – maybe Mother Nature has installed in us some sort of mechanism that pops into place to stop us from hurting too much…
Year 2007
Bart met someone last year, and they just had the most beautiful wedding. The other news, on top of that? They’re expecting a baby! Though Eve has moved on, the fact that Bart very coldly left her, and then hooked up with someone just a year later is still a sore point. The baby news will be a stab in the heart…!
Do we protect Eve and not tell her (about the baby news? - she knows about the marriage)…but if we didn’t she’ll be hurt that we didn’t! If we do, how can we gently break it to her? My point with my friends as we debated about this – how necessary is it for Eve to know? What we don’t know can’t hurt, right…?
Images courtesy of Clarita (mask) and EmmiP (candy hearts), mourgeFile.
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Comment by Aimzster
Reality TV
The Jeepney Stop
First Time Mum
This is tricky. But if Eve was one of my closest friends, I would definitely let her know. Besides, she would eventually find out anyway - better it be from a close friend than a stranger or, worse, from the guy himself or his new wife.
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Comment by Ash
Flashes of memories
ooooo! what a sticky situation, however I`m with Aimzster on this one. The truth always has a way of coming out and she wouldn eventually find out.
Imagine how awful it would be for Eve if she were to meet a very pregnant or even worse... child... of Bart and new wife in the street and was unprepared. Not only would that be a real blow to the heart but it would also hurt even more when she finds out you all knew and didn`t tell her.
Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
Much strength
ash
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Is Eve still secretly pining for Bart? I know you say she has moved on but it seems that she still have feelings because you are concerned about how she will take it.
I think you should tell her about the baby. She's bound to find out. You don't want her getting mad at you. Also, maybe knowing about the baby will snap this whole Bart fiasco out of her.
There's nothing like an old flame having a baby with someone else to give you a dose of reality.
Good luck.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Comment by JoshZ
tough one.
If I had to do this, I would cheat and ask her if she had heard about it. That way she gets to choose how much more she finds out.
JZ
Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
You could approach it obtusely by asking had she considered how it would be with Bart and his new love?
That way she can maintain her dignity and reveal whether she wants information or not.
If you respond appropriately to her wishes she can hardly find you wanting. She just may not want to know at this stage.
None of us are guaranteed love, some are more fortunate than others this way.
katyzzz
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
I think that she needs to be told. If she finds out about it (and she will somehow) she'll be unhappy that it was kept from her by you all.
Kylie
Comment by Lara M
Love Speaks
Food Slate
Ash - Uh-huh...much stickier than Uhu glue! Seeing Bart and a pregnant Bart's wife would be a BIG big shock for her, especially when she so wants kids...!
Mrs M - We think she has moved on in terms of seeing other people and opening herself to love again, but we think inside she's harbouring some bitterness...? They were together a long time and she never saw the break-up coming, so that was hard.
Tracy - I'm starting to lean towards telling as well!
Comment by David
It appears I have a different definition of what friendship is to most Bloggers.
Tricky, hard and sticky are not words I'd use to define friendship.
Toffee, anyone?
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Comment by Lara M
Love Speaks
Food Slate
katyzzz - That's an interesting approach! Were you previously a counsellor/therapist?
Kylie - You're right, she may feel like we've betrayed her by not telling! The last thing we wanna be doing...
everyone... THANKS heaps for your thoughts and ideas! Lots of good perspectives there... I'll share this with the rest and see what they think. I reckon perhaps start with katyzzz's idea...and then TELL <shivers...groans...>
Comment by Lara M
Love Speaks
Food Slate
Like what Tracy said, it wasn't so much about keeping it from her...but more how we can gently tell her, and if it was necessary to do so. We're *fighting* between protecting her/ wrapping her in cotton-wool or sticking her out there. ...but it looks like we're all leaning towards telling her -- just gotta figure out the right time and place! Perhaps over Friday drinks or a girls-night!
Thanks for mixing it up!
Comment by David
According the the virtual facts, it's been a year. According to the virtual facts, the guy has a child with another woman.
How long do you wait for her (your "friend") to get over 'it' before you tell her the truth?
Drop a note in her specially-designed spinster's coffin?
And we've heard not one fact about why the initial relationship broke up, or how it started, or why these two were the 'perfect couple'. And we know nothing about these people, nor have we ever met them in real life, nor met their families, relations, benefactors, friends, colleauges, etc.
Bloggers are assumning this person they don't know, and have never met, and are unlikely to meet, is a victim of some imaginary crime, perpetrated by one more naughty male?
That's why, in the main, sypmathetic women (who have all been the victims of unsympathetic males) are the main commenters on this post?
To give an answer on why a relationship broke up? Let's at least hear a few details about how they got together and what led to the break up first shall we? And who they are in reality would help?
I don't know the male or female involved in this pseudo virtual Orble non-relationship.
All I know is that a lot of Bloggers are giving relationship advice about a former virtual, pseudo relationship based upon their own subjective experiences.
Blog on.
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Well, that's why I said in my second comment, that telling her was the best thing....I tend to think about things before giving an answer, I'm a bit of a slow-ponderer.
Bye
Comment by Gurl
i'd gently break the news to her...take her for a chill-out session (conducive place a MUST!) and chat for a bit..slowly then break the news to her. That's what friends are for....'through good and bad times'.
On the other hand if I think it is not neccessary for her to know then I wouldn't bother to bring it up..
rawk on!
Comment by Lara M
Love Speaks
Food Slate
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Just responding to David.
Just for the record, I think you provided enough info.
David,
I'm not entirely sure why we need to know more details when the question was simply should Eve be told about Bart's impending fatherhood...not why their relationship broke up.
I for one didn't assume/presume that Bart was 'one naughty male'...or that Eve was victim of a crime....you said that...so maybe you're the one that's assuming it.
As for bloggers using their own subjective experiences to give advice....well yeah. No-one said that their advice was 'law' but simply their point of view. If you didn't want advice that was tainted by experience then ask a 10 year old.
Reading your comment I'm not sure whether you are being critical....or just being David.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Always Eighteen
Always Eighteen
Yeah, this is a very tricky one, and I guess there is no single, definitive answer. From my experience, there are 2 types of people when it comes to relationships: one who wants to know the truth, and one who doesn't.
I have a friend whose girlfriend asked him not to tell him if he's cheated on her (they're in a long distance relationship). On the other hand, I would rather know the truth, no matter how hurtful. It would help me realise how much of an arsehole the other person is.
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
If a guy had left me and married someone else... well I would expect that the marragie meant that the possibility of children was well above... 80%..
I mean he married her, that generally means a commitment in my book, pretty much , done and dusted.
So, I wouldn't worry about the child because it's not like it's not a part of marraige and as a friend, you will be there to help pick up the pieces ... if Eve still harbours strong feelings for this 'louse.'
I'd just carry on as normal until the universe puts the news in her lap... let it come up in conversation naturally if the conversation goes there. Maybe you shoudl steer it there if you feel that she should know?
but I mean really, again I say... he MARRIED this other woman... that's pretty final.
She has to find out one day and I'm sure she's thought about it herself?
You would be well within your rights to say something like I didn't say anything sooner because I didn't think it was important, considering that you had split up and that he had actually married this other woman.
...does that sound callous?
Lilla
Comment by Lara M
Love Speaks
Food Slate
Hi Lilla...