...and along comes baby...
November 15th 2007 05:21
“First comes marriage, then comes the baby carriage” so goes an old line. Married couples tell me life isn’t too much different after marriage – the event is a ceremonial seal to a long-term relationship most say. However when there are new additions to the relationship i.e. baby/babies, life can suddenly take a big turn.
I’m not experienced in that area – babies – so I just listened.
Cat who has a two-year-old son shared that the most trying time was the first three months. Living away from both sets of parents and relatives, the struggle was around caring for a newborn, figuring out what to do, and organising their life around this new being. She admitted there were melting points but her husband was very supportive and helpful. “There were times where he was the better mum!” she said.
Jayne on the other hand is battling post-natal depression that is exacerbated by her husband’s sullenness. Since the birth of their child, hubby hasn’t been attentive to her nor the child. Understanding that he has been having some hard days at work and also been on business trips, Jayne can accept that he may be tired from all that, but she is baffled that he doesn’t even spares a moment to give baby (or her!) a cuddle. “His routine when he gets home (at a reasonable time) is: watching tv or surfing the Internet,” said a tired Jayne.
Cat and Jayne’s situations are different, but they agreed that couples need to openly (and thoroughly) talk about the decision to have children – that is, before the *trying* happens.
While both couples have had discussions on the matter, somehow Jayne’s husband is finding it difficult to cope...and perhaps is suffering from post-natal depression too?
Do you know/heard of new dads suffering from post-natal depression? How can new mums and dads prepare for this new addition to the household?
Images courtesy of d_jeltovski (toy) and nasirkhan (crying baby), MorgueFile.
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Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Odd, I have heard of men suffering morning sickness, and sympathetic pains but this post partum or post natal blues sympathy is a new one.
Medical personnel, social workers and family members around men and women with PTSD are affected by it, and will demonstrate its symptoms.
So, it's possible I suppose, but I think it's more likely shock and a reality check situation than anything else. Life doesn't come with a manual and that's to bad.
Raven
Comment by Lara M
Love Speaks
Food Slate
I just did a search. An abstract from the paper "Addressing depression and anxiety among new fathers" reported that:
> There is increasing recognition that a father’s depression and anxiety in the perinatal period can have serious consequences for his family.
> Health services could better support new fathers by providing them with information on parenting from a father’s perspective, or by running father-specific sessions as part of routine antenatal care programs.
Source: The Medical Journal of Australia
Good news is parental services usually scoped-out for mums are are being developed for dads. So, I guess in time to come...this matter may be better managed...
Comment by Techno
Geeky Blog
Comment by Aimzster
Reality TV
The Jeepney Stop
First Time Mum
Comment by JoH
The fact of the matter is that you just don't know what having a baby will do to your marriage! You have to wait until it 'happens'. You're right, the best you can do is have the lines of communication open as much as possible and then you just have to hope for the best!
Having other family around for support is something that really helps - but if that's not an option one just has to be prepared to face the tough days alone. The good thing is that if the foundation of the marriage / partnership is strong, it will remain so, despite the hardships of having a newborn.
I have never heard of a man having PND but I am sure it can and does happen.
Interesting post!
Comment by Anonymous
My wife and I have a fantastic relationship, and yes like what the above reader pointed out - you never know what to expect till it happens.
In my case, I think it's more anxiety than it is depression but I have felt down on many occasions, probably due to a very tired wife and fumbling around on how to care for our new bub, and worrying about financials!
Men generally don't talk about their feelings, so that's probably why depression in new dads have never been well-document till now.
I wish Jayne and her family and all new dads well!
Comment by Always Eighteen
Always Eighteen
I think I still have a lot of growing up to do to even think about having a child.
Interesting post and comments. Made me think a lot!
Comment by Mr Nice Guy
Pop Culturist
Pop Rock Factory
Never disclosed this to anyone other than my wife until recently - but with all three of our children - went through either psychosymanatic changes - which I still can't explain.
First child I completely went off eating any meat and became quite forgetful - to the point of even once putting the cheque book into a box of frozen fish fingers and then forgetting that I'd done it.
Second child - had severe bouts of moring sickness for almost three months.
Third child - had sublime cravings for gherkins. Never touched them previously - or since - but couldn't get enough of them at the time.
There. I feel a whole lot better now.
MNG
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
I've never heard of a father suffering post-natal depression. But it's not unreasonable to think he might be at least mourning the freedom of life without a child, mourning the loss of his partner being solely focused on him, and mourning the added responsibility that comes with parenthood. Mind you, in saying that, It's hardly fair of him to leave it all in the hands of your friend Jayne. Post-natal depression is hard enough to deal with, without the added strain of a husband who seems to be unable to see how hard it is for his wife.
Comment by Lara M
Love Speaks
Food Slate
That's the same *fear* I have Aimzster. Many say life isn't any different, with just as many saying life is different. I just don't want the change to be drastic...
Thanks for sharing JoH. It's great to have your insights on this
Comment by Lara M
Love Speaks
Food Slate
Hmmm, I know what you're saying Dean. I kinda feel that way too...
Interesting MNG! Thanks for being so open and sharing it with us
I have heard about the *shared* pains and cravings, when a couple of friends went through it. It's fascinating how sometimes a couple is so in-tune with each other -- that's lovely, in it's cute little way
Sometimes, couples need to seek counselling before it gets too bad. Jayne has managed to convince hubby that they need external help, physically and mentally -- so they're on the mend.
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Post Natal Depression for dad is a real thing. Only in the last few months I've been reading about it...only because men have only just really begun talking about it.
With the birth of each of our children (3 in total) Mr M's career goes up another notch. He has this pride thing going that he needs to provide for his family. So he gets practical about it. I think that helps him to cope.
He's a fantastic dad...makes time for the kids, gets involved. I couldn't have asked for better.
We were both in the fortunate positions of having nieces and nephews around alot, so when our first baby came along neither of us were really shocked or surprised about life with a baby.
I don't know how the answer to "how to best equip parents to be". Because with my niece and nephew they were around all the time, for a very long time. There's no quick fix.
My father wasn't very hands on and I think he realises the error of his ways now. He sees that my brother, sister and I just aren't as close to him as we are to our mother. We would all take a bullet for our mother, but I don't think we can say the same for my father. It's very hard to love someone who has always been distant.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Lara M
Love Speaks
Food Slate
Yes, I too have been coming across a lot more articles on this topic -- certainly is interesting, though not surprising per se as men like any other human have feelings and emotions too. Thanks for sharing