Can the bar be too HIGH?
September 13th 2007 03:11
Past relationships can shape how we feel and what we look for in future relationships. Good or bad, past relationships imprint on our minds (and hearts) with various thoughts and feelings. While it may not be obvious, it probably is tucked away in some part of our brain - all ready to be drawn out when a similar experience/feeling presents itself.
Can such (past) experiences shape our expectations - building it up, and raising the bar for future romances/prospects?
We’ve all had our share of relationships. Pia admits that she never learned from past relationships. Though some of those *toxic* relationships briefly woke her up, she always seemed to be wading in toxicity again. She thinks it had a lot to do with her need of wanting to be in a relationship. She reflects that she never learned to pick-up on the danger signs because she was too busy *ticking the boxes*. Through her many relationships though, she learned to have expectations.
How are expectations different from ticking the boxes? Simply, expectations are the future prospects or anticipation of something/someone, while ticking the boxes are making sure that someone has those *qualities*. So, perhaps a rather grey area…
Pia’s expectations of a long-term partner were high, not quite unattainable but she thinks (I do too…) it probably marred her chances with a couple of others. When she was with ‘A’, she expected him to propose within a year of them going out -- she was previously with someone for more than six years and it ended up nowhere, so she thought sooner is better than later...
The relationship was going well, they both had good careers, the respective parents adored each of them respectively – she didn’t think they should waste any more time, but ‘A’ had different expectations. He had a rather low bar for their relationship – he was just keen go with the moment. As they were both on wavering wavelengths on what they wanted from the relationship, they parted ways. Ironically a few months later, ‘A’ met someone and got married within a year – perhaps it was timing, but maybe it was also because Pia was so set on her bar that she wasn’t prepared to lower it…even just slightly.
How high is *high*? Was there a time when you were glad you had a *high bar*? Can high expectations result in no bar…or should we manage the limbo rock?
p/s...words from a wise friend: "...sometimes criteria is just a selection process...fate, timing do come into play."
Images courtesy of Eadward Muybridge and Waugsberg (animated horse jumper) and Hannibal (limbo rock), Wikimedia Commons.
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Comment by katyzzz
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Talking about what you want from life and from a relationship early in the peace, saves a lot of time wasting.
No relationship is going to turn out just as you expect it, if you two don't change, the world around you will so both need to think about that.
Home, family, work and income expectations need to be talked about. Generalising does it in the early stages, each minute you spend in a relationship that's going nowhere, costs you time in establishing one which will.
No-one is perfect, neither he, nor she.
Glad I'm now old enough to go it alone. I realise I am not ready to settle down, believe it or believe it not.
katyzzz
Comment by Louie
randomthoughts
Phil's Wellness Tips
nice post
Cheers
Louie
Comment by Aimzster
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Comment by D. Armenta
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Debate Fan
Jeez, if someone goes through life judging by external appearances and/or accomplishments only, they are never going to find happiness.
Comment by Lara M
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I like that, Louie -- so real...
Exactly, Aimzster -- it's an endless debate between Pia and me, and Sonia too! These gals feel they shouldn't be compromised -- and I agree to some realistic extent...but they're too far-fetched sometimes...*sigh*
Agree, D -- they need a knock to reality...
Comment by Rosemary
Alpaca Notes - Tasmania
If someone doesn't want to live with less than perfect, maybe they're better off staying single, and just enjoying the short term relationships as they happen. Might be happier that way.
Comment by Rosemary
Alpaca Notes - Tasmania
If someone doesn't want to live with less than perfect, maybe they're better off staying single, and just enjoying the short term relationships as they happen. Might be happier that way.
Comment by Lara M
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