Setting-up Boundaries or Free-flowing?
September 26th 2008 05:16
Setting-up Boundaries or Free-flowing?
– setting-up boundaries in relationships
Any type of relationship can be challenging, at best warm and loving, but most relationships require a healthy amount of maintenance.
What do you do though when the relationship hits a few storms along the way? Is the relationship naturally resilient enough to weather those bad patches, or would we need a tool or two to set us on course again?
Pat and I were having this conversation yesterday (over coffee, across cyberspace). She’s been married for almost a year now, and it has been a challenging last few months.
She shared that apart from working-out what their emotional needs are, she and her husband will next be setting-up boundaries to help them address their issues and manage their emotions.
Hmm…boundaries?
In my mind, boundaries seem like a superficial fix – to something that’s perhaps more deeply seeded.
Pat clarified that the boundaries are agreed by the both of them, and added that relationship counsellors typically suggest this. It basically helps a couple to be more aware and responsible for their behaviour (before acting it out).
I thought that was interesting, and decided to look it up...
– Drs Henry Cloud and John Towsend, Boundaries in Marriage
I realise that career and family can put a toll on any relationship, but if there are issues that early on in a marriage, is it because it wasn’t addressed in the relationship before marriage…or could it have resurfaced due to the various stresses that creep up in life?
Are setting-up boundaries typically for relationships that need that guidance, or do we actually do it unconsciously/naturally in the relationship?
…or do you think a free-flowing relationship happens because it has grown from stronger, greater (past) experiences that we’ve learnt from...
First image courtesy of kevinrosseel.
– setting-up boundaries in relationships
Any type of relationship can be challenging, at best warm and loving, but most relationships require a healthy amount of maintenance.
What do you do though when the relationship hits a few storms along the way? Is the relationship naturally resilient enough to weather those bad patches, or would we need a tool or two to set us on course again?
Pat and I were having this conversation yesterday (over coffee, across cyberspace). She’s been married for almost a year now, and it has been a challenging last few months.
She shared that apart from working-out what their emotional needs are, she and her husband will next be setting-up boundaries to help them address their issues and manage their emotions.
Hmm…boundaries?
In my mind, boundaries seem like a superficial fix – to something that’s perhaps more deeply seeded.
I thought that was interesting, and decided to look it up...
Learn when to say yes and when to say no – to your spouse and to others – to make the most of your marriage. Only when a husband and wife know and respect each other's needs, choices, and freedom can they give themselves freely and lovingly to one another. Boundaries are the "property lines" that define and protect husbands and wives as individuals. Once they are in place, a good marriage can become better, and a less-than-satisfying one can even be saved.
– Drs Henry Cloud and John Towsend, Boundaries in Marriage
I realise that career and family can put a toll on any relationship, but if there are issues that early on in a marriage, is it because it wasn’t addressed in the relationship before marriage…or could it have resurfaced due to the various stresses that creep up in life?
Are setting-up boundaries typically for relationships that need that guidance, or do we actually do it unconsciously/naturally in the relationship?
…or do you think a free-flowing relationship happens because it has grown from stronger, greater (past) experiences that we’ve learnt from...
First image courtesy of kevinrosseel.
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Comment by katyzzz
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Like the bricks, boundaries, no doubt, but I am not too sure of the significance Lara.
Comment by Lara M
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Comment by Sara Dobson
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What I find interesting id that your friend has only been married a year, so I am wondering if there were things that should have been sorted out before the marrige.
I think any relationship needs work especially a long standing one, as it is easy to just let things slide. But problems after a year is an issue I think.
Comment by Lara M
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What I found interesting was the 'boundaries in marriage' concept. I hadn't heard of it until she told me. I wonder though how and why it would work...
This is certainly a phase they've to work through, especially since they want kids -- but have practically decided to put that plan aside until these issues are resolved.
Comment by Sara Dobson
My Turn
For example one of the biggest issues in mine and my husbands lives is his incessant need to horde. He has towels and old blankets from when he first went flatting. He has 4 swandris (a NZ wool coat) which he doesn't even need, and hasn't worn for 8 years. Why 4 and why keep them?
Because one was the first he ever bought, one is a thick one, and one is a lighter one.
Anyway, back to the boundaries, I just have to accept that he needs to hold onto things for whatever reason.
I have agreed not to secretly through away his "treasures" and occasionally he will try and think logically about why he hordes some things.
Thanks Lara that was cathartic, but is it a boundary?
Comment by Lara M
Love Speaks
Food Slate
Surely, relationships can't be that much hard work...?
How funny re. your hubby's need for the blankets