Falling in love with your best friend~
September 7th 2006 11:20
Imagine this scene: Boy and girl practically grew up together, making them childhood friends and best friends. As they matured, the bond grew stronger, making them rely on each other’s existence to survive in this world and for support etc. etc. Then, fate happens (in their terms); they fall in love during those tender teenage years of high school (think, Dawson and Joey from Dawson’s Creek).
So, the question here is, should they give in to their romantic feelings and say, leave their days of being best friends and brace the possibilities of going steady?
I guess there are a lot of controversies to that, if you ask me. For one, they practically know each other inside out since like, forever?! And I guess I feel that it’s a tad weird to be going out with someone you’ve practically known your whole life – it’s almost the same as dating your own brother (almost!). Not only would you know everything about them (e.g. their gross, disgusting habits and how they think and feel), you could even finish their sentences if you wanted to (kind of like twins!). And besides, wouldn’t it be more fun if you found these things out about your partner while you’re dating, rather than knowing it already and then start dating? That’s part of the spice added to the relationship, right? Any anyway, Dawson and Joey gave this while ‘going out’ thing a try and look at how great that ended? Not only did they hurt each other, they practically dragged their potential partners into that love mess that they’ve created!! Too much drama going on there!
So, what’s my verdict? While I think that it’s great to have your childhood friend become your best friend while you’re growing up, it should stay that way and not to be developed further! It’s just too complicated, uncertain and definitely not worth all the effort (and tears) if at the end of the day, you end up losing a great friendship just because of some romantic (or lust) feeling. So, just accept the face that the both of you will probably remain just best friends, get on with your life and be happy for them when they share the joys of their lives with you. Offer a comforting shoulder to cry on and an understanding ear won’t hurt either during the rough times. After all, that’s what friends are for, aren’t they?
So, the question here is, should they give in to their romantic feelings and say, leave their days of being best friends and brace the possibilities of going steady?
I guess there are a lot of controversies to that, if you ask me. For one, they practically know each other inside out since like, forever?! And I guess I feel that it’s a tad weird to be going out with someone you’ve practically known your whole life – it’s almost the same as dating your own brother (almost!). Not only would you know everything about them (e.g. their gross, disgusting habits and how they think and feel), you could even finish their sentences if you wanted to (kind of like twins!). And besides, wouldn’t it be more fun if you found these things out about your partner while you’re dating, rather than knowing it already and then start dating? That’s part of the spice added to the relationship, right? Any anyway, Dawson and Joey gave this while ‘going out’ thing a try and look at how great that ended? Not only did they hurt each other, they practically dragged their potential partners into that love mess that they’ve created!! Too much drama going on there!
So, what’s my verdict? While I think that it’s great to have your childhood friend become your best friend while you’re growing up, it should stay that way and not to be developed further! It’s just too complicated, uncertain and definitely not worth all the effort (and tears) if at the end of the day, you end up losing a great friendship just because of some romantic (or lust) feeling. So, just accept the face that the both of you will probably remain just best friends, get on with your life and be happy for them when they share the joys of their lives with you. Offer a comforting shoulder to cry on and an understanding ear won’t hurt either during the rough times. After all, that’s what friends are for, aren’t they?
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Comment by Dan
I'd sayas teenagers, thissituation wouldn'twork out, but letssaythat these best friendsare 20-somethings (mid to late). Under thisscenario, i think the bestfriend-turned-lover would work very well
Why? Well if you haven't found the loveof your life when your almost 30, then I guess you'd want a move on very quickly.
I'm not saying that dating ur best briend is taking the easy option... All I'm saying is, IF you trully love each other, then it would work very well. You guys would know each other inside out and would not need to go through all the crap you usually would when your at an age where your more mature than that.
The one and only thing the hypothetical best friends/lovers would be unsure of now is the sex life.]
One more thing Justina: what makes you think that afailed relationship with a friend will wreck the friendship?
Sure it does happen, but it doesn't have to. Especiallly someone you've known since you were tiny little people. How could you possibly let all thoseyears of history go down the drain? Couldn'y our hypothetical best friends just get over it?
Comment by Justin
For instance, I have a few friends that I know well, but couldn't really imagine what and how they would feel given a romantic scenario. So, there's still more to find out about your friend and of late partner.
Comment by Adrian
Philosophy Blog
Comment by Winston
Small Thoughts on Big Questions
Personally, I have loved every minute of being with her. Sure, the moments of discovery you mentioned above are missing (well, not missing. They just happened in a different context), but the comfort and affection can't be beat.
There is, of course, always the risk that attempting this type of thing could ruin the friendship. It's definitely something to consider. For some people, though, the benefit outweighs the risk!
Comment by Aimzster
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Comment by Anonymous
I am in a bit of a sticky situation too.
I am 16 and a half and have known this boy since i was about 14, we only started getting to become really good friends about a year ago though, because he is great friends with my older brother (but he is my age), so he has come round to my house a few times etc so we became very good friends, but i guess i have always had something more for him.
He started going out with one of my best friends, and it was really strange and hard for me to see, but I remained his friend and our relationship if anything grew, as we now had more in common to talk about and he realised he couldnt have me while he was with her. I was there for him the whole time, giving him advice, etc, putting my feelings aside, at this poiint i would never tell him the way i really felt.
While they were going out he admitted to me he had feelings for me, and i said the same but that nothing would happen as long as he was with my friend.
When they broke up we kissed, then again and then again and we have kissed about 6 times now.
I am not really sure what to do.
I really like him but it seems to be just a "friends with benefits" thing.
And i know if i wanted, we could be in a relationship, but there is so much in our way, eg. my brother, my friend, and the fact we are such good friends.
We can tell each other everything, and would not want to lose him, but he is all i tihnk about
I just dont know what to do
HELP!
roxy xxx
Comment by help....
First things first, friendship is the most beautiful thing u cud share with the boy. By friendship i mean talking to him being ur self, doing the things u like -visit the mall, watch n laff on dumb jokes, sit quietly n do nothing, even cry when u feel the world ignores u, or just be der..... frm sm1 whose gone throo lots take it frm me, this is d most valuable thing.
Now coz u think abt d boy so much , its obvious u wanna fall in luv wit him bt aren't allown urself too coz u think it'l jeopardize the very things i just mentioned above....but i kno smwher deep down evn tho ul b frns ( as i will suggest ahead ) u wil always hav d mushy lovey corner 4 him.
so make ur mind , heart up first...if u think he luvs u d same way n will stick by u, if he ain't no fraud ...go 4 it....u don't kno how deep d water is until u put ur legs in !! bt only if ur sure....(listen 2 ur heart...it'l help u lots)
As 4 ur brother ,i think if ul both actually luv each other ..b brave and stand up 2 face d wrld, neways don't take d bf-gf tag 2 seriouslee, try being best frnds...datl work wonders, wen ur old enuf u can go ahead 2 d next level......til den plz don't go on declaring 2 d wrld ul r a 'couple' nd rubbish, jst keep it 2 urselvs nd njoi d moments !! as 4 ur frnd.. depends how gud a frnd she is...try explaining it 2 her..nd give her sm time herself but let her not be d reason if u truly luv him nd he luvs u d same !
Tc...n tho i dont xpect 2 b clear headed aftr readin dis....jus remem 1 thing... be honest, be pure n follow ur heart !!
Comment by Sachi
"I want two red roses, each with a tag. One says "For my bestfriend" and the other one "for my love"."
Comment by help.... -NJ
would like to share smthin wit u.... firslee let age be no barrier for u nd ur soul mate.....its such a cute( & lucky) thing dat uv actually found sm1 who u kno btr dan himself nd he knos u betr dan u do !!
I neva had a best frnd in my life....I am 21...i always had gud frnds or very gud frns bt not 'best frnd'.... until i found my best frnd , my lvr, my soul mate.. i can evn feel like i hav a sister-brodr or familial bonds wit her ...don't take it d wrong way bt its like no relation tag can actually befit us...she's 29 nd tho things are complicated as in marriage wise bt v both luv each odr lotss....Smtimes i seem more mature den her , smtimes she does bt age has nevr cme in ne way betwn us.....
D best thing bout us is dat r thing startd wit frnship, she undrstud me prfectly n so did I d first day on..Smtimes things happn betwn us wich r magical like an angel's playin sm hand 2 make us think d same way n mayb act d same way...v feel xtremely blessed n lucky 2 hav each odr...And i kno 4 sure dat i'l b wit her forevr regardless o d wat d future holds 4 us.....
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Lara M
Love Speaks
Food Slate
It's a beautiful thing when a relationship starts off as a friendship and progresses into something deep -- after all you met with *no intentions* and it naturally developed into something great. So, live the moment...cherish it and enjoy
Comment by Anonymous
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Comment by Anonymous
i've got a friend.. i've known him when we were freshmen in high school. since then and until the day we graduated, we were really very close friends... really close! i even thought he's gay! i actually regarded him that way.. he's partly gay-ish, i must say.. no, he grew up with her mom so he's more comfortable being with female friends than with males.. that's it. haha. but i joke around saying he's gay. now, during our graduation ball, while we were dancing, he was asking if he could court me! i was soooo shock.. it has never crossed my mind. i must admit that when we were seniors, i started seeing him as a man but it just never occured to me that we can be lovers. so, after the event, i said yes.. i mean YES, he can court me. since that happened, we really feel awkward with each other... until now, i still feel awkward. yes, we didn't enter into a 'lovers' relationship. i rejected him.. not because i don't love him but because i was not yet ready at that time.. && my friends, who are his friends as well, tell me that it's just not right. we see him as a double blade...and they said i deserve someone better. so, i rejected him.. but i am still hoping.. really hoping he'll come back. right now, we're in college. we study at the same university and classmates in majority of our subjects. we treat each other as close friends still but lately, i have a new friend who's been very close to him. i can imagine us before when i see them.. && it hurts.... ahh! i'm sooo complicated! haha!
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she just made my day!!!
Comment by Anonymous
month. He is in grade nine and I'm in grade ten. Now here's the problem: he is dating this girl who I actually HATE, like she's a whore (ask anybody I'm not just saying that because she's dating my friend) nobody likes her at school and when her and my friend first started talking I started telling him that she was no good (and usually when I say this about a girl he backs off her and gives her up) bur this time he didn't, he refused to even think about what I was telling him. Anyways, this is the second one of my guy best friends that this WHORE has gone for. But this time it's different, this time i want to puke everytime I see them at school even in the same hallway as one another. I just want my old Haydn back. Our moms and dad and stepdad and family friends have been bugging us that we are going to get married a lot lately!! Wayyyyyy more then usual and it makes things akward, and so now I've been thinking about it more and I want to know guys, if you think he is thinking the same way? Does he love me back? We have always been like brother and sister...but is it going to evovle soon into something more? EVERYBODY! Even people that barely know us say were gonna get together ! Im so confused! HELP
Comment by Anonymous
I was in this situation last year because I fell in love with my friend. We say the way we met was fate because we kept running into each other over the past 2 weeks in completely random places. We had been friends for about 4 months when I realized that I wanted more. The difference between me and him was that we began to be lovers. We wanted a relationship, but he told me he wanted to wait till I graduated School... (He wanted to make sure that when I graduated I wouldn't leave him like his last GF did). So I waited and I waited. During those months we became closer. I stayed the night all the time at his place. We text all day and called each other every night. We found out that friendship was something that we couldn't do because it was obvious that we wanted more. We passed the line of friendship, which is so easy to do when you have feelings for the other person. We told each other that we were going to be open and that we were going to just let life happen...and life happened. It was moments of complete bliss. Kisses while I slept. Waking up staring into each others eyes. Going over each others houses for the holidays and meeting our families. Whispering "I love you's" from across a crowded room. It seemed as if we were perfect...but life happened again. He started to get nervous and started to shy away from me. It was days when we didn't talk because he was ignoring me. When I would see him, he would be unresponsive and vague of how he felt. No more staying over at his place, no more calls, texts, hanging out, dates, nothing. So one day I got the courage to send him a text asking what happened to us. He wrote back saying he wanted to be friends and that he loves me as a person and that friendship is all that he wants. It hurt like hell to read those words but I knew that nevertheless, he was a great friend and that I would have to fall out of love for the sake of our friendship... A few weeks later I finally got to see him and every letter in "Lets just be friends" melted as he kissed me with so much compassion. He couldn't keep his hands off of me. I ran away upstairs and told him that I couldn't do it. I was confused because he said he wanted to be friends but then his actions showed something different. So I wrote him a letter and sent it to his email. Confessing my love for him, and how I couldn't live without him. Telling him that it was unfair what he was doing because he got the chance to fall out of love with me when he was distancing himself, while I sat there confused, hurt and crying because I still loved him. He responded that he he was sorry and that his actions weren't meant to hurt me. He said that he wasn't at the right place in his life to have a relationship and that he was a cynic while I was a hopeful optimist. He talked of his previous relationship and how he went all in for her and she left him and moved to another country without considering his feelings. He concluded with saying that he still wanted to be friends and that he was very sorry. I wrote back saying that if thats all he want then thats all I'll give...The next times I saw him we did good. Just hanging out as friends, nothing more. I drowned myself with work and school and so did he so much so that every time we were around each other we were truly and genuinely happy to see the other person. About 3 weeks before my birthday in September I got a phone call from him drunk as ever as I was leaving work, (He doesn't drink so he gets drunk quite easily). It was just another typical day that our friends had, hanging out, playing frisbee, getting a bite to eat, then go back to one of our places to crash...but this time they added alcohol to the mix. He called me and told me I should come over, mind you, its 12:00 am and I'm tired from closing at work, but I agreed anyway. Long story short, when I got there It was about 9 of our friends there having a good time boozing and playing games, I did not drink. Everyone ended up crashing wherever they fell and I got stuck babysitting him since he was full of energy. While putting something away in the kitchen he came in and forced a hug on me. He fell in my arms and laughed at nothing. Then he looked at me and said "(My Name), You are always here for me. I love you. I keep telling myself that I don't love you, but I do. " My heart melted. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. But all I know is when he kissed me, I kissed him back.
Its been about 4 months since then and we still haven't come to put a label on our love. I realized that I kissed him back that night because at that moment I loved him, and he loved me too. Its still hard now because every day I think about it and I get upset because we aren't officially together and that he still says he wants to be friends but actions prove otherwise. I know that what I am doing is self sabotage because I am hurting myself by continuing actions with him seeing as its going no where but I love him. And I continue to try because I think someday he'll come to realize that he loves me too as much as I love him. And that if it doesn't end that way then at least I tried. To this day I still love him and every time I see him I get butterflies. And when he smiles at me and tells me to sit next to me so he can hold me, I melt. I love to be around him and I love to be with him. And even when he acts like a A-Hole, I still love him... and he knows it.
He told me in that letter that he found the right person in me. I have everything he ever wanted but it was the wrong time for him...and I said that I opened my heart and he continues to take what he wants until I'm left with nothing...
...I'm here to say life is no fairytale, either way you choose, To love your friend, to tell them, to never say anything if you do or to just tell your mind that it will never work to begin with. Any decision that you choose won't be easy and that risking to keep quiet is just as hard and difficult, the only thing you lack is courage. If you love a friend, have mixed feelings tell them. I am going through complete hell with my friend because I love him, I mean Love him with my heart and soul and its still lacking stability and reason, but I would rather do this and know that I tried if it doesn't work and learn from it for future relationships. I believe that a man and a woman can be just friends at one point or another and then fall for each other, maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late or maybe, just maybe forever. You never know what God has in store for you. If you have feelings for a friend and hide behind the friendship, you'll be in more pain watching them go on their life and them never knowing how you truly feel.
This quote by 'Neil Gaiman' describes how me and my relationship was and still is with my friend.
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you- apart pain"
...I am in the process on deciding whether I should continue in what we have, or rather I say, don't have, or to move on with my life.
It won't be a easy road to take...But again, thats just life when it happens.
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
I don't know how or why, but then slowly my feeling grew for him. It didn't even last 2 years, because I moved away to another school. Eventhough I've date other guys before, but somehow I still love him. And then, just last week, he added me on Facebook and he told me he missed me so much. It's been 7 years, and my love for him is still strong. We flirted a little, but I don't know if he loves more or just a friend. I mean, I seriously do love him. I'm 14, turning 15 in December, and he's like 5 months older than me. God, I love him so much! What should I do?
Comment by Anonymous
I'm 16 now and I met my friend since we were 9 and 8. He was the best friend you could find. He's sweet and nice and caring and funny. When i was 13, i started seeing him as something more. He seemed to know, and i felt like we even got closer. He'd hold my hands in public or ditched his friends playing football and come spend the break with me and stuffs. And i thought he had feelings for me too. Then when i was 14, i told him i have feelings for him, he was quiet and masked whatever expression he had and shrugged and smiled. We tried to be normal but we started distancing but eventually become normal friends again. Then i moved. And he got a girlfriend. And we never spoke to each other, ever again. I sent sms'es and he never replied. There's only one time when he wrote to me on fb saying "delete all the photos with me in it."
Comment by Anonymous
i know this guy frm the last one year...and we r best best friends
also he always keeps me sayng that u r very very special to me nd all....
bt on the other side he luvs his gf also..m really confused...he luvs me or his gf? nd shd i confess bout my feelngs 2 him? bt i really dnt wanna lose him.....
moreover i m really in very gud talkng terms wid his gf....nd sumtimes wen i thnk bout my feelngs for him....i feel guilty ..coz i dnt wanna hurt her...
Comment by Anonymous
For instance right now I'm dating my best friend. At first she started hating me and teasing me. After a month I started dating her friend and every time I went to her house (her friend) she would always come with me. After I broke up with with her (her friend), we started to get close, we started hanging out, we would even sometimes go swimming at the beach together, After about three years I told her how I felt.
It was the best decision I ever made... Last April 20 was our seven year anniversary.
Comment by Anonymous
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